


Burn With You

by CalzonaGirlAtHeart



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Big Gay Love Story, Break Up, F/F, Firefighters, Hurt/Comfort, Pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-08-29 12:07:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8488840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalzonaGirlAtHeart/pseuds/CalzonaGirlAtHeart
Summary: Callie and Arizona both excel in their professional lives as a firefighter and a paramedic, saving lives every day. But both souls struggle in their personal lives because of mistakes made in the past.





	1. Chapter 1

"Malia Arianna Torres, you better be down here and ready to go in two minutes or I'm leaving without you!", Callie Torres hollered up the stairs to get her niece's attention. The almost nine year old was a handful, but the tall Latina would be lying to herself if she would say she wanted her any other way. Her niece had a mind of her own and apparently, being tardy to school was the new cool thing in her world. The brunette on the other hand had not only to get her niece to school, but she also had to be at the firehouse in less than an hour and if traffic would get in the way again, they would both be late – again. "MALIA!", she bellowed again, albeit knowing that it was fruitless and that might have been her own fault.

When she was named legal guardian of her late brother's daughter – after losing both of her parents in a plane crash that took another 142 lives – Callie let her get away with too many things because she wanted to give Malia and herself enough time to grieve, compensating the loss of the rest of the Torres family with overindulgence. That was one and a half years ago and Malia had made great improvement since then. They had grown together, the brunette just often found herself wishing she wouldn't have to be so strict with her all the time. She had never been one to make rules. Following rules was easy, especially at work where every mistake could cost a life, but telling someone she loved to go to bed on time – she didn't feel ready for that. She wanted to be a firefighter. That's why she chose not to have a child and because of that she ended her longest relationship. A relationship with the only person she would probably ever see herself growing old with, but when her fiancée at the time wanted to have a child, she couldn't keep both of them from being happy. So she set both of them free because they wanted different things in life and only short six months after that, at the age of twenty-six, she was pushed into the role of being a mother. A mother to a child that had just lost almost everything. And that had changed everything. Being responsible for her niece had changed her for the better. After she broke off the engagement, all Callie did was work and on her days off, she drank her weight in alcohol and went home with a different woman almost every weekend. She hadn't been drunk one day since taking in the little whirlwind and her love – and sex – life was nonexistent. "MALIA!"

"I'm ready, tia Callie", the little girl came running down the stairs, her backpack haphazardly slung over her left shoulder, the curly hair pulled out of her face and up into two unruly and uneven pigtails, some toothpaste in the corners of her mouth. The sight was endearing and it honestly matched the chaos that was reigning the younger Torres' room most days.

If Callie wouldn't have been in such a hurry, she would have laughed. Instead she chose to thank the Lord that Malia's clothes, at least, didn't clash today. "Come here", she beckoned and told her niece to sit down on the chair next to her. Pulling out both hair ties, the Latina combed through the soft strands with her fingers before redoing the pigtails, which wasn't an easy task seeing that the girl tried to put on her shoes at the same time. "Did you pack everything you need?"

"Mhmm", Malia hummed, double-tying the laces of her left shoe and then doing the same with the right shoe, just like her dad had taught her.

Callie sighed. "Zola's mom will pick you up after school and tomorrow at two, I'll be waiting in front of the gate to pick you up myself, okay?" It was the same routine ever third day. Once she would go into work, she would be up for twenty-four hours, trying to save every life she could and overpower the flames under the guidance of Lieutenant Hunt and Battalion Chief Webber. After that, she would be off for the next twenty-four hours and try to get as much sleep as possible before picking up her niece only to spend as much quality time with her as she could. The counselor had said that Malia needed that, a constant routine and bonding time with her aunt, but to be honest, Callie needed it just as much.

Without her friends – her family – from the firehouse 22, she would not be able to do any of that and she knew it. She couldn't be a single parent and a firefighter at the same time and doing both the justice they needed. At work, she needed to be concentrated all the time. And at home, she needed to be there for Malia and not run out of the house whenever there was a fire. But she had help. And Meredith, Derek Shepherd's wife was a saint to her, watching Malia whenever she had to work and she, in turn, watched both girls whenever the married couple wanted a night out. "Promise me to be good for Meredith, okay?", she asked, kissing the top of the dark-haired head.

"Of course, tia Callie", the girl agreed, jumped from the chair and ran to the door to get her jacket from the rack on the wall. "I forgot my Nana!", she yelped and sped up the stairs to get the stuffed ice-bear which she couldn't sleep without. It was the last plush toy she got from her parents. In the beginning, Nana went everywhere Malia went. School, doctor's appointments and counseling. Now she only hugged it at night and that just in the span of barely eighteen months.

"Hurry up!", the Latina yelled and checked her duffle bag one last time, even though she already knew that she had everything she needed. Most of the stuff she needed was in her locker at work anyway, but it never hurt to have an extra pair of clothes on top of the extra pair she already had at work.

Malia came back bouncing down the stairs, jumping the last few steps and landing safely on her sneaker-clad feet. "Now I am ready", she grinned, slipped into her jacket and picked up her backpack. "Tia Callie?" She waited for her aunt to look at her and then asked, "You will come back to me, right? You have to promise and cross your heart, tia Callie."

"I will always come back to you, Malia", the Latina replied, like every morning when she headed off to work and her niece needed the confirmation. "I promise." She crossed her heart, smiling as the little Latina watched her every move. Opening her arms after that, she let the girl hug her as tight as the muscles in her small arms could afford and held on tight to the slim form of her niece. "I love you, as much as the sky has stars. But now we have to hurry."

"I love you, too. To the moon and back", Malia replied and in a whim, she was out of the door and securely seated in the back of her aunt's car, already playing with her Nintendo 3DS as Callie got in behind the steering wheel. "Can we go to the mall tomorrow and get me a new Professor Layton game? I am almost finished with this one."

"We bought this one a month ago, Malia", the brunette laughed, looking at the girl through the rear-view mirror. Big brown eyes were focused on the brainteaser, the bottom lip trapped between perfect white teeth. "What did you do? Stay up every night and play the game?"

Malia shrugged, "I'm just good at it." And she was. She loved to unravel mysteries and the fact that Zola, her now best friend, loved it too and they often solved the riddles together was just an added bonus in the girl's life. Something Callie was really glad about. "Please?"

"I see what I can do", Callie replied, still chuckling. It wasn't a question about money. She had grown up with a trust fund, just like her brother and his money was now all put in an account for Malia to have when she was old enough. But she really tried not to spoil her niece too much. Callie herself mostly lived from her salary as a firefighter. With no rent to pay for an apartment because she bought a small house with her parents' money after the relationship ended – she simply couldn't live alone at the place they had shared, the money she made was more than enough for Malia and herself. Technically, it was the only time she had ever taken money from the trust fund, she didn't want do rely on her parents' money, even after she inherited half of it.

"Tia Callie?", Malia asked, looking up and waited for her aunt's eyes to meet hers through the mirror. "Why did our parents die so early? Papá told me abuela died from cancer and abuelo missed her too much, he was too lonely and eventually, he let God take him to be with abuela again. Why did my parents die? Did they miss abuelo and abuela too much?"

Questions like these always startled Callie. Usually, Malia refused to talk about death. She acknowledged it, knew that her parents were no longer alive, but she didn't like to talk about it. Every once in a while though, she asked questions like these and the adult Latina did never have an answer. "I don't know, Malia. Sometimes, life is not fair to us and takes people away from us. Even though we love them and want them around all the time." Just like Callie had wanted to marry the only woman she ever truly loved. People say that, at least, life was unfair to everybody, but that didn't exactly help. In her eyes, her family, she and her niece, had suffered enough for a lifetime.

Malia sighed and looked back down at the device in her hands before checking her backpack for the charger, finding that she forgot it at home. "Can we turn around and get the charger for my Nintendo?"

"Not today, sweetie. We're almost there and I have to be at the firehouse in thirty minutes. Just ask Zola if you can borrow hers, okay?" At the next green light, she turned left and stopped in front of the school. "Tomorrow, 2pm", she said again and her niece nodded before Callie held out her cheek, knowing that the girl would lean forward to place a smooching kiss on it. "Love you."

"Love you too!"

***

And suddenly, the car was silent. Her head fell back against the headrest as tan fingers clasped the steering wheel. Many months had passed since she had lost her brother, since she and Malia became a family. But that didn't mean that the hole in their hearts had closed as well. "I miss you, Arias", she said to literally no one before starting the engine, hoping that she would not be late today.

"Good morning, Lieutenant", the brunette greeted the man when she entered the locker room – she had arrived just in time – and found Owen Hunt putting his belongings away. He was a good Lieutenant, always looked out for the firefighters of the truck company 42. Yes, it was his job, but there were good Lieutenants like him and there were bad seed who still thought women didn't belong on a firetruck. Callie had proved them all wrong, but she wouldn't be here if somebody would not have given her the chance in the first place.

"Good morning, Torres. How is Malia?", he asked with genuine interest, closing his locker and facing the tall brunette. He loved the girl – just like probably everybody else from the firehouse did – and whenever she came by to visit, he let her sit in the truck with him, enjoying the young Latina's made up stories of fires and people she saved.

"She's good. Really good. She wants to become a firefighter when she grows up and because I really love my job and I could never imagine doing something else, I fear that her dream won't change and that I can't protect her and then she gets hurt." She had never thought she would ever feel that way, so overly protective about someone who is not her lover, but Malia was too precious, so important to her. Protecting her niece was her number one priority.

Patting the Latina's shoulder, Hunt laughed, "She still has a few years before she grows up, you should just enjoy that time. And as long as she is a badass firefighter like her aunt, I think she can handle it. She can learn from one of the best, Torres. I think the injuries you've had since you've transferred from firehouse 10 almost two years ago, are countable on one hand, so I really wouldn't worry too much if Malia takes after you." After that, he left the brunette alone to change. Unisex locker rooms were not really the best solution, especially for the women who chose to work in a so called 'man's world'. So everybody at the firehouse respectfully left the room as soon as they were done whenever the female firefighters or paramedics had to change.

"Firehouse 22, fire in an apartment building, 528 Lenora Street. Truck 42, Squad 8, ambulance 72, battalion 11", came the female voice through the speakers after the obnoxiously loud siren called for attention and Callie groaned in annoyance before pulling the sweatshirt over her head. After making sure that Malia had had her breakfast for a good start into the day, she had completely forgotten to have some as well – beside the regular morning coffee, of course. And usually, it didn't matter, there was always enough food at the firehouse to feed every hungry mouth. But today, it seemed, she didn't get to get anything before the first run.

Running to the truck, she quickly jumped into the pants and boots of her uniform and grabbed her jacket from the hook before climbing into the truck. "Morning guys", she smiled, looking at tired faces in the backseats of the truck as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail. "Rough night?"

"Don't ask", Henry Burton replied grumpily. "Remind me to never ever be Sloan's wing-man again. That guy can drink way too much and still be all chipper and fine the next morning. He needs you back, Torres. You are used to this. And you are way better at picking up girls for him than any of us."

"Sorry, no can do", Callie laughed. On the outside. But on the inside, her heart stung just a little bit more than it did a minute ago. Nights out with her best friend of fifteen years, Mark Sloan, were a thing of the past. She had Malia now. And even though the girl couldn't mend her heart completely, the brunette chose to stay alone and dwell in her memory instead. "But maybe I can show you a trick or two."

"It's the fourth fire in the same building within the last three weeks", Lieutenant Hunt called from the front seat as George O'Malley, driver of truck 42, steered the heavy vehicle through Seattle's traffic, following the squad's truck. "Be careful out there. I think we're dealing with a case of malicious arson."

Callie took a look at the other firefighters. Everybody had its own habit of preparation before going into a building that was on fire. Some prayed, some stared ahead or out of the window, others took it so light, they made jokes before they arrived at the scene. And she always thought about Malia and-

"We're here", Hunt announced and jumped out of the truck, quickly taking in as many details of the situation as he could. It looked like the fire was raging from floor three to five. "Alright, O'Malley, Burton, check the elevator and stop it if you need to. Madden, Hanson, get the ladder in position. Torres, we'll take the stairs and start on the fifth floor, checking the apartments and work our way down. Go, go, go!"

"Got it, Lieutenant", the Latina nodded to Hunt's words and grabbed one of the oxygen bottles and the mask, before following the Lieutenant up the front stairs. Securing the oxygen cylinder on her back and the mask over her face, she gave the man a tight nod and was through the door right after him. People came running down the stairs, crying, screaming, fleeing from the smoke and the fire as the two firefighters crested flight after flight, the smoke getting darker and thicker with every floor they left behind.

Once they reached the fifth floor, barely able to see anything, Hunt turned around to Callie and said, "I'll go left, you go right. Get everyone out. You've got maximum two minutes for yourflank, Torres."

That was the rush of the job, the thing that gave her the thrill she always needed. Kicking the first door open, she yelled, "Fire department, anyone in here?" But nobody answered. She looked through the rest of the apartment, relieved that it was indeed empty and moved on to the next one. "Elevator's clear", O'Malley's voice echoed through the radio system when Callie came out of the last apartment on her side, met Hunt in the middle and they swiftly made their way back down to the fourth floor.

"Fire department, anyone here?" No voice, no sound. The smoke wasn't too thick in here, she could actually see pretty much everything. It was the same procedure as on the upper floor and she once again found no victim, but saw how Sloan made it out of one of the windows, most likely after rescuing someone over the ladder. Essentially, that was a good thing. Not only did it mean that the rescue squad was evacuating the house from the outside, but it also meant that they could soon start to put out the blaze.

"Alright, one more floor Torres and then let's get out of here before it blows up in our faces. Madden, are you done with the roof?"

"All done, Sir", came the response.

"Hunt, I give you one minute before I need you to retreat", Chief Webber ordered over the radio.

Both, Hunt and Callie nodded before opening yet another apartment door. The Latina called out again, nothing. She opened every door, nothing, no sign of anybody. But just when she turned around, she saw a hand behind a couch. And then there was a second, smaller hand. "Shit. Victims in apartment 304, I need help in here!", she yelled when she saw that it was a woman and a child in her arms. "Hunt!"

Hunt had come running to the Latina after checking the last apartment on his side, "I'm here Torres. I'll take the woman. Get the child out of here." Throwing the unconscious woman over his shoulder, the Lieutenant trotted away, his steps heavier with the additional weight he carried. Luckily for them, the fire hadn't reached the hallways yet.

Nodding, thankful for the quick work of her Lieutenant, Callie picked up the child, a boy – not older than her niece, over and over covered with soot and the skin of his left arm, from the shoulder down to his hand, heavily burned. Shaking the image that this was Malia out of her head, the brunette followed Hunt down the stairs. The sight got better and better the lower she got. She had learned not to count the stairs or steps, instead she was taught to keep going until she could see the light, either of the day, or from the blue lights of the sirens shining in the night.

Another few steps and she was out of the building, immediately searching for a free stretcher. There were people everywhere and when Callie finally found an empty gurney and the paramedics that came running towards her to meet her halfway, she didn't look up until she had the chance to put the boy down. Exhausted from the rescue, she closed her eyes before pulling of her mask, using the sleeve of her uniform to wipe the sweat from her forehead. When she opened her eyes again, she stared into a pair of painfully, too familiar pools of intense blue.

"Calliope?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter continues right where the first one stopped.

_Calliope?”_

Questioning crystal blue eyes were glued to the firefighter standing right before her, irritation written all over her face as she studied the features of the woman she thought she would never see again. “I-”, she began, but her mind was racing too fast for her to put anything she was processing into words. What could she say? I'm sorry? I didn't know? Of course she didn't know. It was her first day at firehouse 22. How could she have known that Calliope Torres worked there too?

“Robbins, we need to leave”, Kepner told the blonde after intubating their young patient and then addressed Callie to inform her, “We'll take him to Seattle Press, his mother is already in an ambulance on her way to the same hospital, two more are on their way for the other victims.”

The Latina absentmindedly nodded, only partly comprehending the redhead's words. She felt lost and found at the same time. Up until she took Malia in, it was beyond her how she ever lived a day without seeing the other woman, how she got up every morning and went about her day. Some days, she simply didn't get up unless she had to work. But now, after seeing Arizona again, so close, within arm's reach, the brunette instantly felt better. As if the past two years had never happened. Which was ridiculous, because they definitely had and there was still this huge void, but for just this moment, Callie didn't feel it. She felt actually really good.

“Robbins”, Kepner hollered and within a split second, the blonde jumped into the back of the ambulance to monitor the boy while April closed the door, climbed in behind the steering wheel and started the engine.

All the brunette could do was watch, motionlessly look on as the two paramedics left the field. And as the ambulance was long gone, disappeared through the traffic with another burn victim, Callie still stared down the road.

“Torres, are you okay?”, Mark asked, sincerely worried as he noticed the Latina's stupor. The truck company had put out the raging fire, the special unit for arson already got the clear to search for the cause of the blaze. Their work was basically done and the firefighters of firehouse 22 started to get ready to leave. “Are you hurt? We need a paramedic here!”

“No!”, she objected. “I'm fine.” But was she really fine? She was shocked. Never ever had she expected to work with Arizona again. After they broke up, the blonde hadn't even waited a whole twenty-four hours before running away, filed for transfer without hesitation and took three days off to sort out the rest. And Callie hadn't seen her since that fateful night.

“You look pale, Torres. Even under all that dirt, you really don't look so good right now”, he commented and flung his arm around his best friend's shoulder. “What do you say, you, me, a few beer and maybe something stronger, tomorrow night. It will be just like old times.” The tall man knew that Callie was going to decline, politely, but decline nonetheless. And he understood where she was coming from, he simply wanted to do something for the brunette.

“I can't, Mark. I promised Malia to spend the time with her. I already feel guilty as it is. She spends so much time at Derek's house, she needs me to be there for her whenever I can.” To be completely honest, Callie wasn't even sure she wanted to go out and drink anymore. It was a way to numb her feelings, but it only buried the issue until she could think clear again. “You could come over next Saturday and hang out with us?”, she suggested, knowing that spending some time around adults – outside of work – would be good for her. “I could invite some more people and have a little get-together at my place.”

He smiled at her and waved for his squad to wait just two more minutes. “That sounds like a good idea, Torres. Will you invite the new paramedic?”, he asked, not knowing that he knew her. “I haven't met her yet, but from what Kepner said, she's nice.”

Callie's only answer was an agreeing hum before walking back to the truck and climbing in. Should she really invite Arizona? Not inviting her would not be nice, but wouldn't it be awkward anyway? She didn't even know how to act around the blonde. Even after two years, her heart still beat for only her. Solely Arizona had the power to make it throb harder and faster in her chest. Yet, in her mind, she never had a chance to repair what she had broken that specific night.

* * *

 

„So“, April Kepner began as she maneuvered the ambulance in the direction of Seattle Presbyterian, „that was quite interesting. Do you now her? Torres, I mean?” Light brown eyes checked out the blonde’s reaction through the rearview mirror, but Arizona was busy monitoring the boy’s vitals and kept a straight face. If there were two things she could almost always separate, it was her emotions and the focus she needed to keep at work? “We don’t have to talk about her. I just thought that-“

“Great!”, the blonde snapped, cutting her fellow paramedic off mid-sentence. She didn’t exactly know herself how to deal with this anyway. Over the past two years, she had – deliberately and successfully – banned every thought about the Latina, buried them deep inside her so she could move on. It never happened. Too painful was the memory and the prospect of the picture perfect life that never came true. But at least she couldn’t say that she hadn’t tried. In retrospect, Callie had probably made the right decision. That didn’t mean it hurt any less, back than – or even now. “Are we close to the hospital yet?”, she asked, fearing that her patient’s life was hanging on a very thing thread. “BP’s dropping.”

“Thirty seconds”, the redhead replied, putting her foot down so hard, she was flooring the gas pedal. April had always had a good sense for people and felt when something wasn’t right. She knew that something was up between her new partner and Callie Torres. The tension at the scene hat been palpable. But it was also clear that Arizona didn’t want to elaborate anything right now, so she dropped the topic. For now. “We’re here.”

It took Arizona all of three seconds to unbuckle her seat belt and fling the back door of the ambulance open. Filling the doctors and nurses in on the boy’s critical condition as they rushed him through the ER to an empty trauma room, it felt like she didn’t take a breath until the doors closed in front of her right after a doctor told her that ‘they got it from here’. That was her rush. She remembered how Callie always told her that walking into a building which was on fire was the kick of adrenaline she embraced on every shift. Arizona thought that it was kind of morbid to think like that. But at the same time, it was the odd things Callie had always loved more and she loved that about the brunette. And she could understand where the Latina was coming from – she felt a similar high every time she hurried through the ER with a patient on a gurney.

“Are we good to go?”, April asked, stepping up to the blonde who was filling out the papers at the nurses’ desk. Being a fan of neat handwriting, the redhead studied her partner’s right hand moving the pen over the paper, creating legible words. It was always a good thing to be able to read the paramedic’s handwriting. Made work a lot easier – for everybody.

Arizona flipped the chart close and turned to April. “Yup, all done. The first patient of the shift is in good hands now, still alive and it will hopefully stay that way”, she replied with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Her mind was too busy trying to comprehend running into the love of her life. But still, it was an honest smile. “Ready to head back to the firehouse, whenever you are.”

“Oh! I’m always ready to head back. Torres probably made one of her famous, delicious breakfasts and I am always down for that. Ever since she transferred to our firehouse, the men started gaining weight and have to use the fitness room more often”, she laughed.

“Callie cooks for the whole firehouse?”, Arizona wondered, blinking her eyes in confusion. Before, when they were together, Callie refused to cook for their company of firehouse 63, saying that the men should learn to make their food themselves. The blonde had always been the only one to benefit from the Latina's cooking. Since they were on the same shifts, they entered and left the firehouse together. And on most days, they kept to themselves. Maybe that wasn't really healthy for their relationship, spending so much time together, but it never seemed to rock their love. Frankly though, the men of 63 were childish idiots towards women. And leaving the place was most likely for the better after putting up with their juvenile behavior for far too long. Still, it surprised her that Callie actually cooked for the company of 22. “Must be good people then”, she mumbled her conclusion and followed April with a sad smile on her face. The brunette had always had a good sense in people.

* * *

Back at the firehouse, the brunette had indeed occupied the place behind her stove, fixing French toast and omelets for herself and the whole crew. She actually enjoyed cooking for her friends. It gave her a relaxing feeling and something to keep her mind busy so she wouldn’t think about a certain blue-eyed, dimpled, blonde paramedic. Or, it usually helped. Today though, it didn’t work, at all. Ever since she saw the hurt and surprise wash over her favorite pair of ocean blue eyes, she could not get that image out of her head. How was she supposed to work with Arizona again? So much had happened, so much in her life Arizona had no clue about. It was probably the same the other way around. So much had been left unsaid when the blonde had left – even though talking about it didn’t seem necessary at first. When Arizona hadn’t showed up at work the next day and the Latina found out about the other woman’s transfer, Callie had felt the desperate need to tell her how much she despite everything – still loved her. How Arizona would always hold her heart. Back then, and now it was no different. Because she still loved the blonde so much, it was hardly bearable. But now she had Malia and the Latina wasn’t sure how Arizona would take the new information. “This is stupid”, she grumbled to herself as she prepared a few plates with food. “Breakfast is-“ But the last words died in her throat when April and the woman that was constantly residing in her thoughts walked into the lounge room. Callie immediately froze on the spot. Her ex-lover looked stunning, the navy blue, figure-hugging paramedic’s jacket accentuated her pale skin. Piercing blue eyes found soulful brown orbs with ease and even over the distance of thirteen feet, it was like every emotion she had drowned in alcohol came crashing down upon her and flooded her to her core.

Arizona seemed to have the same problem. Stopping in her tracks just when she and the redhead came through the door, her gaze was glued to the Latina behind the kitchen island. Now, without the grime covering her cheeks and forehead, the brunette looked mesmerizingly perfect, just how she remembered her and how she kept picturing her in her dreams. A gray sweatshirt covered her torso up to the collar bones, the silk-like dark hair pulled back into a pony tail left a tan neck exposed and in the blonde’s eyes, Callie had never looked more beautiful.

“I- I’m sorry”, the Latina said quickly to no one in particular and rushed out, needed to flee from the situation before she would start to cry in front of her – mostly male – coworkers. The majority of them only knew the tough, hardworking firefighter she was and except for the one time she broke apart in Mark's arms, no one ever saw her shed some tears. And even the man she called her best friend by now didn't know why she had been struggling for months. So, no, she wouldn't let those men see her cry.

It took Arizona a moment before her feet started moving in the same direction Callie had just left. Most firehouses had the same type of rooms for everyone to use. A lounge, a locker room, showers and restrooms, a kitchen so neither would starve and last but not least, a relaxation room. So, wherever the Latina would have run of to, it would be one of these rooms and as long as she wouldn't burst into a shower any of the male firefighters was using, she'd be fine. “Calliope?”, the blonde called out, hoping to get a response but not exactly expecting one. This whole situation was kind of messed up. Eventually, she found the Latina sitting on a bed, head in her hands and sobbing sounds came from the woman. “Oh, Calliope.”

“Don't”, the brunette pleaded, knowing that her ex-lover wanted to talk to her, wanted to approach her and ask how she had been. The spoken words wouldn't be the cause of her pain, though; she could – maybe – convince Arizona that she was fine. But the begging pools of intense blue, they would be her breaking point and she couldn't allow that. Thankfully, the blonde listened to her and stopped.

“I didn't expect to meet you here... or ever again, to be honest. I drove by our old apartment and it had new tenants, I figured you'd moved back to Miami to be closer to your family.” That was what she had done. After the break-up, she had packed everything she needed and transferred to a firehouse in Missouri, stayed with her parents until she had found a nice apartment for herself and that was where she had been until she came back to Seattle. Her heart missed the place to much, missed the other woman too much to stay away any longer. Maybe they could work it out this time.

The Latina didn't move, not even flinch. She kept her eyes on the ground, focusing on literally nothing as she squeezed the tiny stuffed ice-bear – similar to Malia's – her niece had given her. That was what she needed to focus on. Malia and the life they had. She couldn't let herself become emotionally attached again. Not if she wasn't sure that Arizona wouldn't run from their situation. And so far, it was the only possible outcome she could come up with if she would explain to the blonde that she was now – figuratively – a mother. “Because you just left...”

  
  


 


	3. Chapter 3

“ _Because you just left...”_

The Latina's words penetrated the blonde's brain over and over again before she could form words herself. She hadn't just left. Callie had ended the relationship, had crushed all her dreams about a future together because the brunette didn't want children and that is why she had felt the need to leave. It wasn't a lighthearted decision. If she would have seen a chance that they could make it work, she would have stayed. That is what Arizona kept telling herself every night before she went to bed and every morning when she woke up. If she would have seen at least a little chance, she would have fought until she wouldn't have any strength left to do so. “I didn't just leave, Calliope. I... you broke up with me. Was I supposed to stay in the apartment and live with you, pretend that I was fine with the breakup and that the past years of our life didn't mean anything to me? That our love didn’t mean anything to me?” Callie still hadn't turned around and talking to the brunette's back made Arizona furious, so the next time she spoke, she raised her voice, too many not quite yelling, but noticeably louder than before, “Would you at least have the decency to turn around when I talk to you?!”

Giving herself a moment to compose herself so she wouldn't face her ex-lover with tears in her eyes, Callie took a couple of deep breaths and internally, counted to ten. Ten seconds would have to be enough for now, just to make the blonde believe that she was fine, that should make her leave her alone. “What do you want, Arizona?”, the brunette asked when her gaze met the other woman's. “What do you want from me, Arizona. You left”, she said anew. “Actually, you ran away without looking back and left me there to pick up the pieces. I've tried to stay at the firehouse,  _our_ firehouse, where we worked  _together_ , but I couldn't. Everything there reminded me of you! And without you there, I couldn't deal with the guys' immature behavior either. But being at the apartment was even worse. You literally left me alone to sort out the rest of our broken relationship.”

“You ended it!”, Arizona yelled this time, tears brimming her eyes as she tried to understand the frostiness Callie obviously used to shield her beautiful, big heart. It's by far the thing that drew her to the Latina in the first place, her big heart. The brunette was a kind, loving person, who wasn't scared to get hurt but instead wore her heart on her sleeve. She had never seen her building a wall of blocks made of ice around her heart for protection. Until now. Clutching the sides of her top in her fists, she held on for dear life, as she feared to fall apart all over again. “I may have left but I couldn't stay there and see you every day. It hurt too much. It still hurts too much.” The last sentence came out as a quiet breath of a whisper.

“Then why are you here now?”, Callie wanted to know. She understood and believed the blonde when she said that she hadn't known that they would be working at the same fire station again. What she couldn't grasp was how Arizona purposefully searched for her to have a conversation. Why did she have to make it so hard for the both of them? “This place isn't the biggest, but if we try to avoid each other, I'm sure we can work together, somehow”, she offered, fighting with her own tears just from looking at the blonde. It pained her to see Arizona like this. All she ever wanted to do was make the other woman happy, make her smile every day so she could see her dimples and her bright blue eyes shine from sheer joy. Never had she envisioned a scenario like this.

Scoffing, the blonde now crossed her arms over her chest. Avoid each other? She still loved Callie. She didn't want to avoid the brunette like their relationship was one huge mistake of her past. She wanted to try and make things work this time. If she – their love – were given another chance, she would give up her dream of being a mother. If that meant she and Callie would have another shot, that they could grow old together, she would only want that. “I don't want to avoid you”, the blonde quietly confessed and waited for the other woman's reaction, searching her face for a sign that Callie wanted the same. Yet, the Latina's face remained emotionless, of which Arizona was sure, was just a facade. But she also knew that if the brunette didn't want to talk, she didn't stand a chance to get through to her.

“Yo, Torres, Meredith and the kids are here, they are waiting for you by the fire trucks”, Mark announced and closed the door just as quick as he had opened it. Whatever the two women were arguing about, he didn't want to get between them. So he had waited until there was a moment of silent to deliver the news.

Frantically wiping her eyes and cheeks to clean them from the tears she had shed, Callie put the stuffed ice-bear back in its place – on top of the small bedside table – and started to walk away. When she was almost at the door, she turned around, seeing that Arizona hadn't moved an inch, but that she had her head in her hands, sobbing. “I'm sorry, but... it's better this way”, she said and left the room, desperately trying to make herself believe her own words. Clearing her head on her way to the fire trucks, the Latina forced herself to smile. Malia didn't need to know that she had a rough morning. “What are you doing here?”, she asked when she found her niece climbing into the fire truck with Derek's help. “Shouldn't you be in school?”

“Tia Callie!”, Malia hopped down the steps and ran to her aunt before jumping into her arms, hugging her tightly. “Our teachers are sick”, she explained, “and Ms. Baxter said that every available parent should pick up their kids because they can't teach us today and maybe even tomorrow.” Apparently, most of the teachers were hit by a wave of the flu and there simply wasn't enough staff to keep the classes going. The grin on the dark-haired girl's face was priceless. A day off in the middle of the week, that was spectacular news to her – even though she was usually pretty eager for knowledge and absorbed every word from her teachers.

Looking at her fellow firefighter's wife, the tall brunette asked, “Isn't that too much? To watch them both for more than twenty-four hours? Meredith, if you have other plans, I can ask the chief and-”

“Nonsense”, the thin woman with dark blonde hair told the Latina. “It's fine. We'll go to the zoo and if it's okay with you, I'll take the girls to see a movie. We'll do some of the extra works for school and I'll just keep them busy until they pass out tonight”, she laughed. It really didn't bother her that much. Sure, the house-cleaning and grocery shopping would have to wait for another day or two, but that wasn't exactly the end of the world. “Don't worry, okay?”

“Okay”, Callie sighed in relief as she put her niece back on the ground – the girl simply getting to big for her to carry her around longer than a few minutes. Meredith was an angel sent to her when she needed one the most. “I can't thank you enough, Mer.” She really didn't know what to do without the other woman. Being a housewife and mother only was not something she could picture for herself. She needed to do something good, something important. But if life would demand a change for her, if she needed to make a decision, she would always choose Malia over her job and she was one-hundred percent okay with it.

“Nonsense, again”, the other woman laughed. “Just make sure to invite us to your next dinner party and let us have some of your awesome food”, she winked at the Latina. “Oh, and maybe you could watch Zola one weekend next month It's our anniversary and Derek promised to take me to the Space Needle. Apparently, he made the reservations almost a year ago.”

Feeling blue eyes watching her, the brunette needed a moment to find her words. Arizona's gaze was intense, staring a whole into the back of her head – at least, that's what it felt like. “No problem. Just give me a heads up so I can make a plan. Because, apparently, Meredith Shepherd is better at entertaining two girls than I am”, she mocked, repeating her niece's comment from a few weeks ago.

Just when Malia was about to correct her – and Callie knew her niece well enough to know she would defend her own words, the siren blared through the truck hall, followed by the situation status through the speakers, “Firehouse 22, car accident on Fourth Avenue, Battery Street. Trapped and injured person, two more injured people on the scene. Truck 42, Squad 8, ambulance 72, battalion 11.”

And then everything happened really fast. Derek helped his daughter out of the truck, gave Meredith a quick kiss before she left with the kids. Callie jumped into her uniform pants and boots before grabbing her jacket from the hook. The ambulance was already on its way out – with Kepner once again as the driver – when the brunette climbed into the truck. “We're good to go, lieutenant”, she said when fire unit of Truck 42 was complete.

* * *

 

Upon arriving at the scene, Arizona was quick to exit the car and let her eyes scan the surroundings, getting a general idea of the situation. Despite her own inner turmoil and the emotional state she was in, regardless of how badly she just wanted to crawl into her bed and cry for an hour or two, this was not the time to let her feelings control her. She had to toughen up and push everything that could possibly distract her to the back of her mind – for the second time today – and do her job. Which was harder than this morning. Her thoughts were racing a mile a minute in every possible direction, each ending up revolving around memories of Callie, Callie and her being in love, of her and Callie planning their future together. But she needed to focus. “We need three cervical collars and at least one spine board, maybe two”, she muttered, more to herself than to her fellow paramedic. They most likely wouldn't be able to reach the victim in the crashed car yet, but they were able to help the other two people first. “Kepner, check on the man, I'll check the woman and when the firefighters freed the one in the car, we'll take over.”

“Okay”, April nodded and grabbed one of the collars and a paramedic's bag from the back of the ambulance. Fast steps alongside the new paramedic through the in charge drizzling rain led her to the middle-aged man. He had blood on the right side of his face, coming from the cut right above his eyebrow, but other than that, he seemed fine. “Sir, are you in pain?”

“Just my head”, he answered, his words clear and strong. Relief settled on the two paramedics when the woman confirmed the same state, saying that she only had a pounding headache, probably the result from a concussion caused by the impact. Putting the cervical collars on the patients to stabilize them and prevent any future trauma during the transport to the hospital, they checked their eyes with a flashlight and the reaction of the pupils.

“Robbins!”, Chief Webber's deep voice practically vibrated through the air and after the blonde made sure that April was good to handle the elder couple alone until the second ambulance would arrive to take them to the hospital, she jogged over to the chief. Noticing that the firefighters had secured the second car and put out the small fire, she stopped next to her new boss, surveying the work of the rescue squad as he spoke, “Can you climb into the car through the passenger's side door to brace his neck? We need to cut off the roof and we can't risk him moving too much.”

“Of course”, Arizona replied with a sharp nod, grabbed the third collar and got into the car. It came with the job, but she never liked being in a car while the rescue squad worked on the metal body. There was always the chance that something could go wrong. And she couldn't help but feel trapped in a tin can – not exactly a comfortable feeling – but she had to trust their crew to do their job right. “Alright, we're ready.” The next sound that filled her ears was the screeching noise of the flex as it cut through the metal. Closing her eyes until it was over, the blonde then helped lifting the patient out of his damaged car. Getting out herself, the easy way by jumping out of it since there was no rooftop left, she waited until he was on a gurney before she checked his vitals. The drizzles had turned into a down-pouring rain and it blurred her sight. “Alright, I have a heartbeat and a pulse, but neither is perfect. Help me get him into the ambulance?” A few firefighters nodded, pushing the stretcher in the direction of the vehicle. For a crash that bad, the patient definitely could have ended up with injuries much worse than what he had. The blonde had definitely seen worse. From shattered legs to a total lung collapse, she had seen all of it.

Once inside, Arizona hooked her patient up on a portable monitor to observe his vitals after she established a vascular access to administer fluids and pain medication. “Do you need anything else?”, Callie asked her, standing there as if she didn't have anything else to do. With her helmet in her right hand and the uniform jacket unzipped despite the heavy raindrops, her left hand fumbled with the edge of the high temperature resisting visor as the Latina looked indecisive and kind of vulnerable at the blonde. Add this to the strange and icy demeanor from earlier, Arizona didn't know how to react or what to say. But she also could not deal with this right now. She had a patient to take care of, and so many things to think about. “I'm good”, she answered curtly and refocused on her patient. Shortly after the weird incident, April closed the back doors, fired the engine and took them to the hospital.

* * *

 

“What the hell, Callie?”, Arizona immediately confronted the Latina when she got back from Seattle Presbyterian and found the Latina alone in the locker room as she obviously wanted to put on a fresh shirt. “You cannot do this. You are not allowed to do this. First you don't want to talk to me, and then, when I have to keep my eyes on a patient – of all things – you think it's a good idea to speak up?” The blonde was furious. She had had enough time to stew on her pent-up anger on the way back and with every second she was given to think about everything that had happened today, she became even more enraged.

“I just-”, the brunette started but stopped. Initially, she wanted to congratulate Arizona on the good work. Knowing how much the blonde despised being in a totaled car, she had always admired how calm her ex-lover remained while being in that very situation. And congratulating her was what she always used to do, back when they were working together, living together, when they were happy together. But when the Latina saw the blonde in the car, all courage left her when she remembered that the past was the past. And she suddenly felt like she didn't deserve the right to tell her that anymore. So she chose different words. Nevertheless, she wanted to get this off her chest. “You did great today. That's what I wanted to say. Not that you have ever been not great. You are the best paramedic I know. But... you were amazing, today. Better than I have ever seen you work. That's all I wanted to tell you”, she said, playing with the freshly washed fabric in her hands, using it as a distraction from the fluttering feeling in her stomach and to calm herself.

Staring at the woman in front of her with her mouth hanging wide open, she had no idea what to reply. It was so not what she had been expecting. At all. “I... thank you”, she eventually said with a cracking voice, her eyes never leaving the Latina's face, even though Callie didn't meet her gaze. “It's been two years. I've learned a lot.” After that, silence overcame them and for Arizona, it felt like it was slowly crushing her. She just wished she could erase the painful part of their past and go back to normal. And if the brunette would be up for it, even if it was just a tiny bit, she was sure they could fight through it. “Malia has gotten so big.” The words left her mouth with a smile, although, originally, she didn't mean to say them.

Finally, obsidian eyes searched for blue ones and the wild, energetic flapping of butterfly wings in her stomach became harder to ignore. She still loved Arizona, so much that it hurt not to hug her, not to touch her, not to kiss her. But she couldn't drag the blonde into her life. Not with everything that had happened and was still going on. It wouldn't be fair to her. “It's been two years”, she whispered eventually, repeating her ex-lover's words just loud enough so the other woman could hear her. And so much had changed in these two years. So much that Callie didn't understand how she even managed to handle all of it without Arizona by her side. The blonde used to be her rock, her shoulder to lean on. And she had been Arizona's in return. That was what love was supposed to be like, in good times and in bad, right? Through heaven and through hell, if one believed in that. But she had gone through hell alone because she had pushed away the one place she called heaven. And now everything was different.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little shorter... but it felt right to cut it exactly where I did.

It had been a long first day at the new firehouse for Arizona, the twenty-four hours she had done easily now felt like a double shift, weighing her down as she unlocked the door to her new apartment. Dragging herself into the warmth, she let her back collide with the wooden surface – closing the apartment door as her tired body leaned against it – and slid down, landing on the hard and cold floor. The blonde's head fell back as she tried to blink away the tears that started to brim. She was simply exhausted – physically and emotionally – and the view of unpacked moving boxes littered all over the apartment floor didn't exactly help to lift her mood. It felt so empty and she was lonely in this new, shiny place, whenever she remembered how much joy and fun she'd had when Callie and she moved into their first apartment together. This place wasn't where she wanted to be. She came back for the Latina, she wanted to be with Callie. Frankly, she hadn't expected to work with her ex-lover again, but she came back for her. That didn't seem to be one of her options at the moment, though. But at least she was closer to the love of her life now than she was while living in Missouri, where all she could think about was that one fateful night two years ago, the night that drastically changed her life.

_** Flashback, two years ago **_

“ _I love you so, so much, Arizona”, the Latina said, repeating her own string of words for at least the sixth time as she sat on the sofa, facing the blonde and holding her hands. “And it hurts to know that I cannot give you what you want, what you dream of, that I am not the one who can make you ultimately happy in every aspect of your life.” It was difficult for her to see the other, usually so strong, woman fight against her tears, to watch her crumble right before her eyes, but Callie knew that she had to pull through with it tonight. They had been dancing around the subject for months already. And she had tried to change for the blonde, had tried to befriend herself with the idea of becoming a mother and taking care of someone who would be dependent, who would need her. But she couldn't. As much as it hurt her to let her soulmate go and move on, it was better this way if they didn't want to resent each other in the future for being unhappy. “And I am so sorry. I just... I just don't see kids in my future, Arizona. Even though your kids will, without a doubt, be the cutest kids ever, with their blue eyes, dimples and blonde curls. But I... I can't see myself being their other... other mother.” Choking on her own words, the brunette paused to collect her thoughts and feelings. She had expected a rough conversation, painful and full of tears, but it was so much harder, so much more unbearable than she had thought._

“ _Maybe we can keep going. I can change. Maybe I don't want kids two years down the road either”, Arizona suggested, desperately clinging onto ever last bit of hope she had inside her, despite knowing that Callie was right. That being the cause of each other's distress was not an option. Ever. She would rather miss the Latina every day for the rest of her life than hate her. Still, she wanted to fight until there_ _was nothing left to fight for. “I love you, Calliope”, she said, the words leaving her lips in a sad whisper. “I can't imagine my life without you.”_

“ _But I don't know where we're going”, the brunette held against that, feeling her lover's hands slip out of hers. She had tried to come up with something – anything – to avoid the breakup. Arizona's happiness was her only priority in this, she needed to focus on that. And if she couldn't guarantee a happy future for the woman she loved, someone else needed to_ _do_ _it. The blonde wouldn't stay alone forever. She was a charmer, made friend's easily. There was someone out there who would see all the good things she saw in Arizona, someone who would be able and willing to give her everything she wanted. Callie just wasn't meant to be the one for the blonde, as sad as that was and as much as it stung in her heart to admit it. Her fiancée maybe wasn't able to see this right now. But there would be a time where Arizona would be happily married and have those beautiful kids she wanted, the brunette felt it._

_Taking a deep breath and wiping the tears away, blue eyes – a little puffy and bloodshot from all the crying she had done – locked with those deep brown orbs she loved so much. But maybe their love for each other wasn't enough to weather this storm. “What are we gonna do now?”, she asked, toying with her engagement ring as the bittersweet thought crossed her mind that, at least, they weren't already married. Breaking a vow would make it impossibly hard. Even though the bigger part of her wished they were, she always wanted to be able to call the gorgeous brunette her wife – Callie was actually the first woman she could see all that with, marriage, kids, growing old together – and now they wouldn't make it this far. “What about the apartment?”_

“ _We'll figure that out”, Callie answered, the heartbreak and crying causing a splitting headache to form right behind her eyes. Her heart felt like it was being squished between two thick walls and bleeding out. And the worst of it was that she was the reason for her own pain. Just because she couldn't talk herself into wanting kids. “For tonight, I'm staying at my brother's and tomorrow, we'll-”_

“ _We'll see each other at work”, Arizona spoke softly, knowing exactly what the Latina was about to say. It was what they had always said when they had to part during an argument. And usually, it had helped and worked perfectly for them. After both had had some time_ _to cool off – because their fights were always heated, which wasn't a surprise considering that they were both very strong-headed and stubborn people – they were always able to tackle their issues together. This time though, the blonde figured one night, hell, even a month wouldn't change a thing. Not this time. “Can I hug you?” It was more a plea than a question and Arizona could only hope that her lover_ – _or was that ex-lover now? - would give her consent. Even if it was only meant as a goodbye._

_The nod the brunette gave in response was enough to make the other woman smile, weakly and it only lasted a few short seconds, but Callie was certain she would miss that smile, those dimples and the melodic laughter. “Come here”, she offered, and stood up, immediately giving in when Arizona pulled her closer. The blonde's perfume filled her, surrounded her. All she felt and needed in that moment was Arizona and before she knew it, they were kissing passionately, fiercely, kissing away all the hurt and pain they had lived through tonight. When slightly cold and trembling fingers sneaked beneath her shirt, Callie gasped and pulled away. “I'm sorry, I... we shouldn't.” And all of a sudden, the Latina hectically scurried away from the woman who held her heart, grabbed her already packed duffle bag and left the apartment, leaving Arizona all to herself._

_** End of Flashback **_

“FUCK!”, Arizona yelled and chucked her keys into the direction of the open living room with so much power, they bust a hole in one of the boxes. She hadn't slept a minute that night and today would probably be no different. Tears welled up from the sheer memory of that fateful, painful day and she was too tired to care, letting them run down her cheeks was so much easier than fighting them. She had cried and screamed and changed into one of the brunette's over-sized sleep shirts that night before she had started to pack up her clothes, a few of her most important personal belongings and looked for the first flight out of Seattle. In a brief, unconscious moment, she had taken off her engagement ring and put it on the kitchen counter and willed herself to walk away. She couldn't. Not without the ring that meant so much more than a fancy party. It was a promise and even though Callie had broken that promise, she wanted to keep her ring, as a reminder, as her last hope. 

It had still been dark outside when she had left the building and climbed into the cab, hours after the Latina had left her. She hadn't talked to the cabby, something she usually found quite polite. But she hadn't been in the mood. The apartment had tried to swallow her up, memories had haunted the blonde since Callie had left and she couldn't see how she was ever going to be able to come back here, come back to Seattle or get over the Latina and the love they had shared. The latter never happened and although she was back now, back at the place where she had left her heart two years ago, everything felt so messed up that she didn't see how it was going to work out. Callie had changed and she didn't know why. Maybe the brunette was in a new relationship already, had found someone who wanted the same future as she did, and Arizona showing up – even though it wasn't planned that they'd work together – would jeopardize the life she had now.

Getting up, Arizona checked the lids and sides of various boxes – looking for the right labeling – until she found the one she was looking for, containing a couple of winter clothes and the brunette's old shirt. Throwing it away had been impossible, the blonde simply couldn't find it in her heart. It was the only thing aside from the ring she had from Callie after leaving everything at the apartment. She couldn't wear the ring, couldn't even look at it without tearing up, but she could cry into the material of the shirt. So, even if there would never be a second chance for them, she wanted to keep this shirt. The Latina's smell had faded away long ago, but the image of the other woman wearing that shirt, with her cute panties peeking out from under the hem showing off those magnificent toned legs, would always be burned into the blonde's mind.

Holding the fabric under her nose, Arizona predicted it smelled of the brunette's perfume, of her shampoo or body wash. It didn't matter as long as it smelled like Callie. And unbeknownst to her, only four streets away from her new home, the Latina was doing the same with one of the blonde's old shirts she had kept after the breakup, sulking in old memories of good and bad times she had shared with the blonde over a glass of her ex-lover's favorite white wine.

  
  


 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry this took longer!

Callie heard the pitter-patter sound of Malia’s bare feet meeting the wooden floor before her niece reached the last step of the stairs. It brought a smile to her face as she lifted her eyes from the book she was reading, checking the long case clock on the wall across the couch. Two years ago, she wouldn't have reacted like this, would have envisioned her future entirely different from what it was now. These days though, she missed the young Latina whenever she couldn't be around her. And she had surely more than enjoyed the little extra time with her niece today – since the majority of her teachers was still sick and she had picked her up a bit early at the Shepherd’s residence. Malia had obviously had a blast, the little bundle of energy had kept Callie on her feet almost all afternoon, looking for a new Professor Layton game first and then dragged her on to another rack for a second game because the brunette just couldn’t say no to her niece’s big brown puppy-dog eyes. Her father, Carlos Torres, even though he was known as a strong and strict man, must have had exactly the same troubles whenever she had batted her eyes at him, asking for something she had wanted as a child. And even though she could easily pay for her own life now, afford what her heart desired, she’d give all that money away if she could just look into her parents’ eyes one more time, dance with her father for one more night, laugh with her mother for another couple of hours. “Malia, it’s after ten”, she reminded the girl before little legs stopped in front of her. School was supposed to start again tomorrow, with regular schedules and classes, and she knew that the young brunette needed her sleep or she would be cranky and couldn’t stay focused. “What are you still doing up?”

“I can’t sleep”, the girl answered with a shrug of her shoulders and a pout when she stood at the small coffee table where her aunt could see her. She was tired from the day, but too many thoughts racing around in her brain kept her up since she had said goodnight to the older Latina almost two hours ago. “Can I come cuddle for a bit?”

Placing the book aside, Callie’s eyes studied the girl for a few seconds. She probably should send her back to bed, but a little voice inside her told her that something was up. Her niece wasn’t one to start a fight about going to bed. She didn't come out of her room to have one last glass of water or one last kiss goodnight to buy herself just a little bit more time to stay awake. Yet, here she was, standing seemingly uneasy in her favorite pair of pajamas, the pants were littered with small prints of her beloved Super Mario Cart characters and the front of the top showed Yoshi and Mario holding the trophy in the air. The love for video games was definitely something Malia had inherited from her deceased father. Admittedly, the nine year old was growing out of it fairly quickly, the legs and sleeve were already a little too short, but her niece still wanted to wear it. And she did look adorable in it. “Come here”, Callie gave in with a warm smile and opened her arms for the girl to snuggle into her side. “What’s bothering you?”, she asked after a few minutes of silently running her fingers through her niece’s soft tresses.

“You look sad”, Malia stated matter-of-factly and looked up at her aunt while simultaneously clenching her fist in the older brunette’s shirt. “When we were at the mall, you were quiet, unusually quiet and you seemed lost deep in your thoughts”, she explained her observations. The usually funny personality of her aunt had been missing throughout the day. Having a good sense in people and moods, she had picked up on the other Latina’s different behavior on their way from Zola’s to the mall and at first she had guessed Callie had been focused on the street, but she had remained mostly silent. And she knew that grown-ups couldn't always be happy. But her aunt mostly tried to cover her sorrow and worries in front of her. “Do you miss my parents? And abuela and abuelo? Because I miss them and sometimes I miss them more and get sad when I remember that they are not here anymore.” Stifling a yawn, she climbed onto Callie’s lap, wrapped her arms around the woman’s torso and rested her head against her chest. Her aunt’s heartbeat had an oddly calming effect on her ever since her parents died. It had quickly become a routine for them if she couldn't stop crying or was upset. She relished in the closeness and the thudding sound from the woman's pounding heart.

Callie on the other hand, speechless from the response she got, tensed up. Admittedly, she had been distant, had been engrossed in her memories about a life she had with a certain blue-eyed paramedic, something she would probably never be able to forget. But she hadn’t expected Malia to notice it. “I miss them, every day”, she replied, telling only one part of the truth. How was she supposed to explain to her niece that her current thoughts revolved around Arizona, how much she missed her and how badly she wanted her back but didn’t want to drag the blonde into her messed up life. The girl sitting on her thighs was too sensitive to not make the connections, thinking that it was because of her. Which was, in all honesty, not true. Malia and Arizona knew each other and had always had a good relationship. They had even ganged up on Callie when playing hide and seek. She wasn’t worried that her niece wouldn’t like the blonde or that Arizona had developed a sudden animosity towards the young Latina, but her ex-lover wanted kids – babies – with Callie and not a child that was already going to school. She wanted to experience everything from the beginning, it wasn’t fair to ask Arizona to accept the life the brunette had now and take that away from her. No matter how much the Latina wished for that to happen. It just wouldn't be fair, to either of them.

A sigh escaped Malia's lips and she instinctively pressed her face more against her aunt's torso, drying her tears right the second they spilled from her eyes on Callie's shirt. “Do you remember how Arizona always used to braid my hair when you came over?”, she asked literally out of nowhere. The arms that were wrapped around her small frame noticeably tightened for a few seconds before her aunt's hold loosened. “She made the prettiest braids.”

Dark brown eyes blinked rapidly in equal parts of wonder andconfusion, the older Latina needing a moment before she found her voice again. She had no idea how the girl's mind had jumped to that question. But as she only began to ponder about the why, her heart and brain chose to give her flashbacks of those times. Arias had been a hopeless case when it came to braiding hair, his motor function and eyes to hands coordination simply wasn't good enough. His wife – Callie's sister in law, Elena – had been decent at making braids. Normal braids. What Arizona's hands were capable of though was art. She indeed created the prettiest variation of braids, making Malia feel like a princess. “I do, why do you ask?”

Lifting her head to look at her aunt again, the girl spoke softly, “I thought I saw Arizona at the firehouse yesterday. The woman near the door looked exactly like her. It made me think of her and how happy you were when she was with you. Mamá always said she madeyou smile the widest and Papá said that you're gonna marry her one day, before you even thought about proposing”, she said, repeating her late father’s words. Replaying her own sentence in her head, the little Latina then asked, “Why didn't you marry Arizona, tia Callie?”

Having no response ready and feeling her heart breaking just a little more in her chest, Callie cleared her throat but apart from that, remained quiet. Why didn't she marry Arizona? It was such a heavy-loaded question. She had never dreamed about getting married, but that had changed with every day she had spent with the blonde. So why didn't she marry Arizona and change her dream once again?

Because she had not wanted to be a mother. Because she had been selfish and had wanted Arizona all to herself, adding to the strong fact that she simply didn't see herself being a mother. Considering the situation she was in now, it was ridiculous. She had so much love to give, and between her and the blonde, there would have easily been enough love to share for a third person. But she had chosen her career, her life as a firefighter, the life she knew and had been happy with. Arizona made her beyond happy, she hadn't needed, hadn't wanted anyone else. And now here she was, basically a mother to a smart nine year old – even though it wasn't Callie who had raised her niece for the better part of her young life, Malia had turned out pretty well, despite everything she – they both – had lived through in the past two years. “I think you should go back to bed and try to sleep”, the Latina said instead of giving the girl an answer. She hadn't expected to be flooded with another wave of memories this evening. She barely held it together as it was. It left her choking on her words and she had to accept that right now, she wasn't able to handle all these emotions. “Shall I tuck you in again?”

Malia nodded, not understanding why her aunt didn't answer her question, but she was too tired to ask again. “Can you carry me upstairs?”, she asked, flung her arms around the woman's neck and held on tight. Her father had always done that, and although Callie pretended that she was getting toobig for it, she knew how strong her aunt was from all the working out she did for her job. “I sleep the best when you tuck me in.”

Getting up, the tall brunette put her hands under her niece's legs as the girl clung to her like a monkey. She was too short to wrap her legs around her waist and cross her ankles at the back, so she needed a little help to hold her. They managed the stairs like the walk upstairs was a piece of cake for the Latina and Malia opened the door with her left foot. Inside, Callie gently put her down on the bed and tucked her in. “Do you think you can sleep now?”

“Mhmm”, Malia nodded, her eyes getting heavy and dropping close more often and longer with every time they did. Hugging her stuffed ice bear to her chest, she turned onto her side. “You'll pick me up tomorrow, right?”, she asked partly into the pillow when her aunt pulled the comforter up to her shoulders so she wouldn't get cold in the middle of the night.

“Of course”, Callie smiled. “Sleep tight, Malia. I love you. More than the sky has stars.”

Already half asleep, the young brunette replied with a mumbled, “I love you too, tia Callie. To the moon and back.”

* * *

 

She knew she shouldn’t follow the brunette, knew that whatever would happen when she would get the chance to look into those perfect dark brown eyes with no one around them, she couldn’t be held responsible for her own reactions. The feelings she still had for the other woman were immeasurable, she had missed Callie so much. And that meant that anything could happen. But still, the blonde followed Callie into the closet where she figured the Latina would hang up her dirty uniform jacket and put down the helmet. It was dirty from the fire she just had to run through and if her ex-lover’s routine hadn’t changed within the past two years, Callie would soon want to freshen up. Especially since this had been the first fire of the day, and there were most likely to be more operations. “Callie”, she started, closing the door behind her and leaning against it, effectively blocking the way to run while she still had the chance. “Can we talk?” She wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk about. But she needed to get something off of her chest, a pressure that felt like someone had put a huge bolder on her on top of it. “Please?”

Putting the respiratory protection mask down, the brunette turned around and was met by a pair of crystal blue eyes staring at her. God, Arizona looked so beautiful, despite the obviously red-rimmed eyes, the shadows under them and the slight – but to her, obvious – loss of weight, the blonde was absolutely stunning. Perfection. An angel from the heavens above. An angel Callie could honestly need and she found herself wanting to reach out, but she stopped herself. She couldn’t do that to herself or the other woman. “What… what did you want to talk about?”, she asked nervously, already looking for a way out of this room. Withstanding her ex-fiancée’s gaze was nearly impossible and she knew that if she caved, if she gave in, she wouldn’t be able to stop herself.

“Everything?”, Arizona asked insecure, fidgeting and kneading her own fingers. “And nothing at all at the same time. I just, I don’t know, Calliope… Callie.” She paused after correcting herself, the unintentional slip of her ex-lovers first name causing her heart to clench in her chest. Was she still allowed to call her that? Why was everything just so complicated? Why couldn’t they just go back to what they were? Seeing the Latina again had swirled up a ton of emotions she had desperately tried to shove into a box and put safety locks around it before pushing that box into the back of her mind, covering it with a cloak that made it invisible. If only it had been that easy. It hadn’t worked. Everything she had and still felt for the Latina had always been there, lurking somewhere inside her, waiting for the chance to rise again. And all she really wanted to do now was hug the Latina, kiss her until they were out of breath, make her knees go week with just one bat of her eyelashes. “I don’t know how to _be_ around you, how to act”, she confessed.

Watching the blonde’s shoulders slump down a noticeable bit, all Callie wanted to do was hug her, comfort her and tell her that everything was going to be alright. No matter what had happened in the past and why they broke up, she always felt that way about Arizona. That didn’t mean she had an answer, though. Because she had no clue how to _be_ around her either or how the other woman expected her to behave. And even if she knew that, she wasn’t sure she could give her ex-lover what she wanted. “I don’t know either”, the Latina admitted and chewed on the inside of her bottom lip, suppressing the overwhelming desire to pull Arizona into a hug, knowing that she wouldn't be able to let her go again.

Having the same thought but apparently not the same inner strength as the brunette, a pale hand moved towards the other woman without actual intent. It just happened. She was simply drawn to Callie. Like a nail towards a magnet. Whispering the Latina’s name as her fingertips touched the mesmerizing caramel colored skin, she swallowed hard as the familiar spark of love and the feeling of being home surged through her whole body. How was she supposed to act like all of this never happened? “Look at me, please.” After unpacking boxes almost all day yesterday, she had laid her words all out in her head, had prepared an immaculate speech that would knock the brunette out of her shoes and then she had planned to ask her out for dinner to reconnect. But her voice died in her throat and all her preparations flew out of the window when she looked into the brunette’s deep brown orbs.

Rooted to the spot, Callie was torn between relishing in the well-known feeling of the blonde's delicate fingers against her skin and the sudden urge to run. Run from all of this, away from Arizona, away from her own feelings. But she didn't move, didn't flinch, didn't even take a breath when she noticed her ex-lover closed her eyes and leaned in. Before she knew it, pink lips were pressed against hers, causing her eyelids to flutter until she didn't fight it anymore and kept them shut. Her world stopped spinning as everything around her faded away. The wheels in her head came to an abrupt halt when she allowed herself to let go and the wall she had built up around her heart came tumbling down. Right this moment, there was only Arizona, she and the other woman were the only thing that existed in time and space. And the Latina felt herself relax at the chaste contact.

Not knowing how far she could take this, Arizona kept the kiss innocent for a while. It was only lips against lips, fused together as if parting would kill her. One hand sneaked around the curve of the Latina's gorgeous hip and rested on her lower back, bringing them closer together as he blonde pushed herself into the woman's body. She had missed this so much. And they had wasted two years of their lives trying to be apart, when it was so obviously clear that being together was all they ever really needed to be. Feeling Callie's hands on her hipbones, the blonde became bolder and opened her mouth, tracing the seam full lips created with her tongue to ask for access. A moan dared to escape her throat when it was granted and even though they hadn't kissed like this since the night they broke up, it was as if these last months had never happened. It was everything she remembered it to be.

Letting herself enjoy the warmth that spread through every fiber of her being, Callie gripped the flesh in her hands a little tighter, tight enough to leave crescent shaped marks through the paramedic’s top but she couldn't bring herself to care. Kissing Arizona like this, holding her close like this and expressing their feelings, it was all that mattered right now. After all these months, their hearts were still able to dance to the same rhythm. None of her drunken hook-ups had kissed her like that. No other woman had had the power to make her forget everything with just one kiss. There had truly never been anyone who had managed to make her feel like Arizona did. She had tried to forget the woman who held her heart, but had failed and after waking up with a remotely strange woman next to her, she had missed the blonde even more. God, she had messed this up so much more with her stupid coping mechanism. Maybe Arizona could be able to come around and love the new life she had, but she would never be able to forgive Callie for drowning her sorrow in meaningless sex and alcohol. Fuck, she needed to stop this. “I... I can't”, she whispered, breathless from the fire that raged through her, from the passion they had shared.

Arms that had been holding her close were pushing her away before the Latina had said a single word and Arizona immediately understood that Callie had woken up from the spell she had been under. Blue eyes snapped open, prepared to see rage or anger flash over the firefighter's face. But what she saw instead was a set of watery brown pools, sadness and confusion whirling in them as the brunette stepped away from her. Callie was about to run, again. “Calliope... don't... please.” Her voice broke as she choked on her words, begging the other woman not to run away this time. They should talk about this. There was so much going on inside her and she didn't even know a fraction of what was happening inside the Latina's emotional jumble. But she wanted to understand everything, wanted to get to know Callie's past two years. “Please, don't run.” Tears dropped from her ex-lover's eyes and when Arizona reached out to wipe them away, the brunette turned around and left within a split second after mumbling a rushed 'I'm sorry'. Feeling her own dam break, she let her tears streak her reddened cheeks as she stood there crying, struggling to hold herself together. The happiness she had felt just a moment ago had slipped through her fingers, just like that, it was gone again.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Running out of the supply room and past a few of her fellow firefighters, Callie bumped into Mark before she finally found a place that wasn't crowded. She needed space. Space to think about what had happened only a mere minute ago and time to sort out her baggage, and people watching her didn't help. The second Arizona had pressed her lips against hers, so softly that every little spark of love she still felt for the blonde erupted into a million of colorful fireworks, the brunette remembered what it was like to be home. It was so close to how they used to be, how she wanted them to always be. And God, had she wanted to keep kissing the blonde. Tender enough to reassure her that the love was still there and fierce enough for Arizona to never stop kissing her, to never doubt her feelings. But then reality had caught up with her and everything she had done since her ex-lover had left had drowned her in regrets and shame. What had she done?

“Torres!” Mark's booming voice stopped the Latina who had started to walk back and forth in the locker room, hands trembling and legs visibly shaking. “Where's the fire?”, he tried to joke, knowing his best friend well enough to see the hurt in her eyes. She was a master at keeping a tough front up for the guys, but he could see right through it and wished he could take the pain away from her. “Cal?”

“She... I... we... and then... Arizona...”, Callie disjointedly spoke and shook her head, water already brimming and about to roll down her cheeks. “Mark.” Her willpower broke when he put his arms around her and let her cry, tears spotting his shirt as she pressed her face against his hard-muscled chest. If it wasn't for her best friend's arms, she knew she would have fallen apart. “She kissed me, Mark. She kissed me, just like that. And she fixed everything that is broken with that one kiss.” For a few seconds, the brunette had experienced an immeasurable amount of happiness, a huge load of butterflies stirring inside her, a feeling she had greatly missed. “For a moment, I felt complete again.”

“But that's a good thing, Callie,” he insisted. “She still loves you, you still love her. All you have to do is get your girl and-”

“No!”, she objected and pushed herself away from him. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she looked her best friend in the eyes and said, “I can't do that to her, Mark. I am a mess. My life is a mess. I'm not good enough for her, not anymore.” She had ruined whatever little chance she had when sleeping with countless of women in the short span of four months. “She doesn't deserve this”, she concluded and motioned down her own body, teardrops once against staining tan cheeks.

“Shouldn't that be her decision to make?”, the man argued, hating to see the brunette so broken. Right after the break-up, he had seen Callie at her lowest, not caring enough anymore to get herself out of this hole she had fallen into. Then Arias and Elena had died and within a day or two at the very least, the Latina was forced to sober up, literally and figuratively speaking. In his eyes, Malia was the best thing that could have happened to his best friend – it was a new reason for her to get up in the morning, go home after a work instead of getting wasted at a bar and to finally put her life back together as best as possible. She still wasn't happy. But with Arizona being back in the picture, he had good hope that Callie would actually find that constant smile again. “Have you tried talking to her? Maybe she had... a similar coping mechanism?”

Shaking her head, the Latina closed her eyes just at the sheer thought of Arizona sleeping with somebody else. The image made her cringe and actually gag. And if she would tell the blonde what she had done, she was sure Arizona's reaction would be just the same. This weren't ex-lovers from her past she was talking about. It were women she didn't remember the names of and hollow sexual encounters that didn't mean anything to her. “I have ruined everything, Mark. Even if she could accept the life I have now, with Malia and the responsibilities, she could never forgive me for doing what I did. I gave my body away to those women because I wanted to feel something. And in the end, I still felt nothing.” Nothing but a shattered heart, many pieces missing since the night she set them both free.

“Well”, he started and gave his friend a lopsided smile, “it could be worse. You could be pregnant or married. Or both. I think you should just talk to her. Ask her where she stands in all of this, tell her about Malia and then tell her what happened.” He didn't know Robbins that well, but well enough to know that she wouldn't send Callie on her way because she was Malia's legal guardian. “Right now, she seems insistent on fighting for you and what you had. If she still wants that after you two talked, good. If not, you know what you're dealing with.

“Shut up”, the brunette laughed bitterly and shoved the man away from her. Straightening her back and squaring her shoulders, pretending to be okay again, she added with a deep sigh, “I won't talk to her. I can't do that to us, Mark. I need to focus on Malia and I can't promise I won't spiral down again after her rejection. Thank you for listening, though. You're a really good friend.” As she walked past him, she patted his shoulder and forced herself to smile when she left for the kitchen. But her faked happiness immediately vanished when the woman in question leaned over the counter and she could see the blonde's behind. It was still very much in perfect shape. Round yet firm. Callie had always had a thing for Arizona's ass and she really wished she could sneak up behind her ex-fiancée and touch that fine butt.

Clearing her foggy mind, she stepped around made her way to the fridge, looking for something quick to wrap up for the crew but the fridge didn't exactly give her a lot of options. “We need more vegetables”, she called out, hoping that someone would write it down or at least notice it. “And we're running out of salt. Whoever goes to the grocery store better buys some spices.” Yep, she was purposefully avoiding the piercing blue eyes she felt staring a hole into the back of her head. Avoiding eye-contact with the blonde until it was inevitably. And when she turned around, dull, sad pools of blue were engulfing her, letting a wave of emotions crash down upon her. As if something had kicked the air right out of her lungs, she gasped for it, struggled to keep breathing under the intense glare. “Are... are you hungry?”, she asked when she found her voice again.

The unhappiness turned into disappointment and anger when Arizona slammed the coffee cup down onto the counter, giving the Latina a harsh, “No”, before she left the area. She couldn't understand how Callie had been kissing her one second and the next she'd had the urge to run away again. Wasn't she done running? The blonde was definitely done running away from her feelings, from her love for the fiery, hot woman. She could still remember the touch of her ex-lover's lips on the cusp of hers, the sensuality in the contact, the love. After that kiss, Arizona was sure that the brunette still loved her, so she couldn't fathom why she was still running way. “This is so frustrating”, she cursed, kicking the wheel of the ambulance.

“What did the car do to make you mad?”, April asked when she stuck her head out of the back door of the vehicle. “I uhm... I'm actually making sure everything is stocked up as it should be according to this list, but if you want to be alone, I can just... go?”, she offered.

“Stay”, the blonde said and sighed, being alone in a firehouse that was filled with firefighters and paramedics wasn't happening anyway, so she could as well help the redhead. To be honest, any kind of distraction was actually very much welcomed at the moment. “Where did you stop?”

“Gauze”, April replied when the blonde climbed into the car and she handed her the second page of the checklist. For a few minutes they were working together in silence and out of the corner of her eye, the red-haired woman watched the paramedic in charge recounting the same staple of OB kits for the third time. “Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?”, she offered, not taking her eyes away from the gauze in her hand. But Arizona didn't seem to be willing to talk, so she shrugged her shoulders, “I guess not then. That's okay. We don't have to talk at all, we can just continue to work without saying a wo-”

“It's infuriating!”, Arizona snapped. “I am so infatuated by her and every time I think I am actually getting two steps closer to her, she pushes me back again, and then it's a distance of at least five feet between her and me”, the blonde began her rant. “Is it unfair? Yes. Do I still freaking love her, hell, yes. To stop loving her is just _impossible_! I have tried that, I swear. I had two years and nothing has changed. When I think about her, all the love is still there. If it didn't go away in the last two years when I didn't see her, it sure won't go away now that I came back _for her._ Does she know? I don't know. But I kissed her and she kissed me back and then she ran away again.” Putting the kits down, she faced the redhead, her eyes stormy with suppressed rage and determination. “And she's not really talking to me either. I feel like she's blaming me for leaving Seattle when she was the one to break up with me in the first place! But still I came back for her.”

When April was certain that the other woman was done talking, she cautiously asked, “Are we talking about Torres?” Receiving a nod in response, she bit her lip. She had never seen Callie dating anyone, not even flirting on the few nights that she had seen her at the bar with the crew. Maybe April had left too early to witness any of that happening, but there certainly hadn't been any dating since she transferred to this station. Frankly, that the brunette had been involved with the new paramedic before was actually kind of big news. Because she had observed the brunette and on most days, it seemed like something was weighing her down. “I don't know what happened, but whatever it is, I hope you two can figure it out.”

Nodding again, Arizona went back to counting the kits and eventually she put a number into the empty spot of the checklist before going on to the next point on it, the poison antidote kits. As long as she would keep her mind busy and nobody would ask her about what happened, she wouldn't think about it until her shift was over. She knew that. And when her fellow paramedic had asked, she had simply snapped. Now she felt sorry for it and she would apologize when she could talk without breaking into tears or choking on her words. The poor woman didn't do anything wrong.

* * *

 

Over ten hours later – it was already dark outside - Arizona was scrubbing out the EMT after a patient with two gunshot wounds to his torso had bled out in the back of the truck. It was definitely the downside of her job when she wasn't able to help people, and the only thing that kept her going was the certainty that she had done everything she could. It hadn't worked and the teenage boy had died not even two minutes away from the hospital. The two bullets had caused severe damage to his stomach and one had pierced his lung, it would have been a miracle if he would have made it. And she knew that. “Stupid gang wars”, she cursed as she mopped the blood away. He had been their first patient that had died that day, ruining the score halfway through her shift.

“Do you need any help?”, came Callie's voice, startling the blonde enough for her to almost slip on the wet floor of the vehicle. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- I just, April is passed out in the lounge and I thought that-” Biting her tongue before she could say some more, the Latina shifted from one feet to the other, unsure why she even went into the garage to check on her ex-lover. She knew why, she wanted to see the woman who made her heart beat faster with just one look, who had aroused all the pent-up emotions inside her. Even though she had sworn to herself she wouldn't make this harder for the both of them, she couldn't stay away from the blonde, obviously. “Do you need any help?”, she asked again.

“No”, Arizona replied and turned her back to the brunette, still completely bewildered by the other woman's confusing behavior. She had told the redhead to get some rest and decided to hang out in the ambulance to avoid the gorgeous Latina. The truck was almost cleaned up anyway, so she really didn't need help. She would prefer answers instead. Answers only Callie could give her. So, until the brunette was actually ready and willing to talk, she would take a few steps away from her ex-fiancée. At least, that is what she promised herself to do. But she could feel it with every fiber of her being as expressive brown eyes stared intensely at her. “What do you want, Callie? I don't think you came here for some small-talk. And I am almost done here, so unless you want to actually talk about, oh, I don't know, us... maybe, you can just go away.”

For a moment, the brunette truly contemplated the paramedic's words. What did she want? The answer was easy. Arizona. Although the blonde was mad at her – which she had probably every right to be – she just wanted to kiss the love of her life again and tell her that everything was going to be okay. Yet, she didn't, out of respect and to be honest, she was afraid. She didn't know what was worse, seeing the sadness in those cerulean blue eyes or the anger. But whatever it was, both emotions meant that Arizona cared like crazy. And that, as good as it sounded, scared her. Because she still cared like crazy, too, and she couldn't let it happen. “Well, I'm just going to go then”, she finally decided, remembering the conversation she had had with Mark earlier that day. Pulling the other woman into the chaos that was her life wasn't fair. 

“You think it is that easy, don't you?”, Arizona asked the firefighter, rage filling her system as she put the mop down, throwing the plan to give Callie some space out of the window. “You don't get to waltz in here after we kissed and I felt those butterflies fluttering inside me before you chose to run away, Calliope.” Even though her tone was bitter, the full name of her ex-lover didn't sound as harsh. “You cannot do that to me.” Because her heart – as crushed as it was – still thumped hard for the Latina. “You need to decide what you want. You can't kiss me one second and the next go back to ignoring me.”

“I want-”

“I'm not done talking!”, the blonde cut her off. “It hurts! It hurts in here”, she said and put her right hand over her fast beating heart and the left against her own temple. “And in here. It hurts to _think_ about you, to _see_ you. I came back for you because leaving Seattle before even trying to fight for us was the biggest mistake I've ever made. But now you're hurting me.” For the second time that day, she felt tears welling up and she didn't want the Latina to see her cry so she pushed through it. “I love you, damn it, Calliope. And whatever it is, I am sure we can work through this if you still love me, too. But you need to figure this out and make up your mind. You just need to fucking talk to me.” After her outburst, she studied the brunette, trying to read her. There had been so much love in their kiss, so much passion and desperation. The strong bond they had always had was still there, she had felt it. And now she could see the pain behind those deep chocolate brown eyes, instantly wanting to make it all better. 

Was it really that easy? Could love be enough to work it out this time? No, Callie thought. Not as long as the blonde didn't know the truth. About Malia, about her brother and the nights she had drunk her weight in liquor. But she also couldn't tell her about those women, knowing that Arizona would find her disgusting and the Latina was positive she couldn't handle being rejected after telling the truth. “I... I can't, Arizona. I'm sorry”, she apologized, tears in her eyes as she walked away from the other woman. When she was sure the blonde was out of earshot, she whispered, “But I will always love you”, and swallowed the lump that had begun to form in her throat. She entered the relaxation room and made her way to the small area where her personal belongings were, opened the drawer and picked up the framed picture she had in there. It showed her, Malia and Arizona on the day the former couple had taken – back then, the five years old – Latina to the local park's playground.

  
  


_** Flashback, 4 and a half years ago **_

“ _Higher, Arizona, higher! Let me fly!”, the girl squealed as the blonde pushed her on the swing and the taller brunette was recording a video with a handy-cam. “Push me so high that I can fly up to the sky and sleep on a cloud!”_

“ _That's not possible, honey”, the older Latina laughed behind the camera, an infectious smile on her face as she watched her girlfriend interact with her niece, Arizona's facial expression showing as much fun as the girl's. Add those deep popping dimples to it, the blonde was the most beautiful woman walking the face of the earth – in her eyes. “And what would your parents say? How would we explain to them what happened to you?”_

“ _But I wanna fly, tia Callie!” There was more laughter, more happiness and demands to be pushed higher and higher. Not once did Arizona stop or complain about her arms becoming tired._

_Callie walked up to the two and slowed the swing to an eventual complete stop, wanting to freeze this moment in time to always be able to remember it. Stepping behind the swing, she and her girlfriend crouched down to be at the same height as Malia who was still sitting on the swing. “Say cheese”, she said, directed the camera at them and smiled brightly as the flash went off and Malia giggled at the disharmonious 'Cheese'._

“ _Take another”, Arizona breathed into Callie's ear and pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's cheeks just in time. “I love you”, she whispered, grinning when she noticed the blush creep into the other woman's cheek before grabbing the lapels of the Latina's leather jacket and pulling her in for a kiss that showed her affection. Pulling back, both sets of eyes fluttered open and all Arizona could see in those deep dark orbs was love and adoration._

“ _I love you, too.”_

_** End of flashback **_

  
  


“I will always love you, Arizona”, the brunette repeated her own words and let the tears fall, wanting to go back in time to when they were happy. Wanting to knock some sense into the Callie from two years ago to never let her soulmate go. She had been so stupid when she had let the blonde walk out of her life. She hadn't wanted kids, yes. But was it really that bad to have a family of her own with the woman she loved more than life itself? The thought had frightened her. Now she wished she had pushed herself more into wanting kids than pushing the best thing ever happening to her away. “Forever.”

  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first try on Archive of Our Own.


End file.
